Stories from ACT women affected by domestic and family violence

Women who have been affected by domestic and family violence contributed to the development of the content on this website. Some have generously offered to share their stories.

We spoke to women who had personal experience of domestic and family violence. Three of these women agreed to share their stories. Names and identifying details have been changed to protect their privacy.

The stories these women tell shine a light on what it is like to be a victim of domestic and family violence.

Barbara’s story

“Having finally escaped an abusive marriage, I now realise that control is an insidious and dangerous form of abuse. When I look back on my abuser’s behaviour, I realise that every single one of his actions was designed to restrict my life, and strip me of my confidence and self-esteem. In the end, he took so much from me, that I was just a shell of my former self.

Even more concerningly, his actions were barely perceptible. For too long, his behaviour went unnoticed. My perception of reality was diminished. It was like a form of slow poisoning, designed to incapacitate me until I was rendered helpless. Small controlling behaviours escalated over time, stripping me of my autonomy, and my independence. He used verbal insults. He used body language and other subtle gestures to put me down and emotionally torment me. I was being devalued. My friends were disappearing.

As for many victims, my experience was an isolating secret that I carried alone for a long time. I just told myself that this was my life. I believed he would change, particularly if I worked hard enough to please him, but I was mistaken. For a long time, I thought the problem in the relationship was me, and that if I fixed myself then things would improve between us. Of course, it didn’t. It got worse. And I learnt that, in most cases, psychological abuse and coercive control, eventually escalate into physical violence.

Finding the courage to talk to someone is an essential first step. The more victims that come forward, the more likely we are, as a society, to recognise that coercive control must be criminalised so that this crisis in community safety can be addressed as a matter of priority.

I understand that leaving an abusive relationship can be difficult, and fear about what your abuser may do to you can be psychologically crippling. But as a survivor of domestic violence I ask that women and men who are victims of intimate partner violence come forward and share their story. The domestic violence helpline and emergency services such as police are always there for you, and will always listen and provide support no matter what time of day.

If someone had told me at the outset that all things pass, that you can plan for the future, that your past is not your future, I wouldn’t have believed them. You are in such a state of anxiety that it feels impossible. Yet, it’s true. You just have to do it one step at a time, because you can get overwhelmed with trying to manage it. And one step leads to a thousand steps - and your ultimate freedom.”

Kyra’s story

“When people ask what it took to leave him, I say I didn’t have to make a decision to leave - he kicked me and the kids out. Even so it was months before I accepted that I had been in an abusive relationship.

You don't want anyone to know, and you do everything you can to cover it up. In the beginning, after I left, I didn’t want to tell anyone, particularly my parents, because they’d have been shocked and really worried. He was always very careful never to cross that line of hitting me. There was physical stuff, but he never hit me. So, what would I say to people he’d done?

And, as weird as it sounds, I didn’t want anyone to think badly of him. I didn’t want anyone to stop me going back. We were married, we had kids, I loved him, right? And if I had told anyone, then he would have been really angry, and I would have to cut off that relationship.

It wasn’t until we were in mediation months later that I was given a checklist and ticked every box and the mediator said, “this a domestic and family violence situation”. It was like this incredible light bulb moment. I mean it was overwhelming and awful, but it was also really comforting and reassuring - almost like, hey, I’m not crazy. This is a thing, and it all makes sense, and I can do something about it.

I look back and feel heartbroken for the person I was because I was not in a good place physically, emotionally, or mentally. It feels like a bit of a miracle that I got out, and it took a lot of inner strength.

My advice to any woman who is feeling scared or feels like she’s going crazy, is to talk to someone. And not just one person. Letting somebody know what's going on - I feel like it's the only way to get out.

I didn't know at the time, but I know now, with my lived experience, that the point of leaving is the most dangerous time. If that's something that you're thinking about doing, you really need support around you, so you need to talk to someone, you need to plan. As soon as I had that first conversation it got easier. I still had to go through hell, and it’s not over yet - we have kids - but I’m a million miles away from where I was, and that is all that matters.”

Sam’s story

“Like so many people, I didn’t identify myself as being in an abusive relationship, but I knew something was wrong, I knew in my gut that things weren’t right.

Then, one day I heard a commercial, I can’t remember whether it was on television or on the radio, but I remember hearing a woman’s voice saying, “If you feel unsafe, call this number”. And I did. I dialled that number, because I knew things weren’t right.

When the person on the other end asked me a question about myself, I hung up. I was terrified that any answer I gave might identify me, including my postcode, even though I’d been assured of anonymity. I was so afraid that I didn’t feel I could trust anyone.

But I knew things weren’t right and I wanted things to change, so I called back and this time I talked and talked and then when the woman on the other end said, “do you realise you are in an abusive relationship”. I was shocked. It was so confronting to hear that, because I’d never seen what was happening to me in that way, even though I knew what was going on with my husband wasn’t right.

That phone call was the start of my journey to what I hoped would be a life without fear. I didn’t know what lay ahead of me. How could I? How could anyone? And I wonder sometimes, if I had known, would I have started the whole process? But, hey, nobody knows the future, do they? All I knew at that point was that I wanted a different future for myself and my children, I wanted a future without fear.

Look, everyone’s situation is different and unique to them, but I really can’t stress enough how important it is to believe in yourself, to trust your instincts. If you feel unsafe, then you are unsafe. If you feel things aren’t right, then they’re not right. No-one should ever feel that in a relationship. Trust yourself, and remember there are no wrong or stupid questions. Never, ever doubt yourself.”